Harry Potter Named New Men’s Ice Hockey Coach at UMaine

Spoof

It looks like the magic is back for University of    Maine hockey fans!

In a startling announcement today, UMaine Athletic Director Steve Abbott named Harry Potter to succeed Tim Whitehead as Head Coach of the Black Bears.  Whitehead, who had coached the team for the past twelve seasons, was fired on April 10.

Potter, who has no ice hockey playing or coaching experience, was a star Quidditch player during his school days.  He believes his success at that sport will follow him onto the ice at The Alfond Arena.

“I’ve always been fascinated by Muggles sports,” Potter told this Modern Philosopher.  “Soccer was way too dull, I was too small for football and basketball, and while baseball intrigued me, I could never figure out how to hit a curve ball.   Hockey is the one sport I love to watch and follow with a passion.  The speed and the physical contact remind me so much of Quidditch.  You’ve got a keeper, the defensemen are like beaters, and the center is clearly the seeker.  This is going to be thrilling!”

Potter has already made two additions to his coaching staff.  Ron Weasley, his brother-in-law and longtime best friend, is the new Goaltending Coach.  While Rubeus Hagrid has been named the Strength and Conditioning Coach.

An article in the April 12 edition of the Bangor Daily News accused former coach Tim Whitehead of lacking charisma and recruiting progress.  I asked AD Abbott if he was worried about such things being said about Coach Potter.  “You’re joking, right?” Abbott shot back as he laughed so hard that he cried.  “The generation of players we’re looking to recruit grew up on Harry Potter and think he’s a god.  The only recruiting problems we’re going to have is figuring out how to turn away players because we only have so many roster spots.  As for charisma, the guy defeated Lord Voldemort.  Enough said.”

The Black Bears ticket office has been flooded with phone calls since the announcement.

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