Hogwarts Decides to Admit Rich Muggles Who Can Do Card Tricks

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has faced very difficult times ever since a series of scandals, murders, and mysterious disappearances rocked the famed British school of magic.  Not only is attendance way down as parents no longer deem the establishment safe enough for their children, but educators are also rather reluctant (and understandably so) to accept a position on the faculty.

Rattlemore Humperdink, the school’s new Headmaster, recently traveled to Maine to discuss the school’s future with the state’s Wizard and Witch community.  While in town, he sat down with this Modern Philosopher to talk about where things are headed.

“You have to understand, Austin, that running a school the size of Hogwarts is a very expensive endeavor,” Humperdink pleaded with me as he enjoyed a bottle of Moxie and a whoopie pie.  “Do you know how much it costs to maintain the Quidditch program alone?  Do you want to hazard a guess as to the annual fee to insure a school that houses teenagers, teaches Magic and the Dark Arts, keeps magical creatures on the grounds, and counts ghosts as members of its faculty?  Magic can only take care of so much!”

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