Yankees Hire Maine Witch to Help A-Rod’s Rehab (Fiction)
Volcanica Ivy, the Maine Witch who recently made national headlines (yes, my blog is read all over the country, so I can use that term!!!), has just conjured up an even brighter spotlight for herself.
The New York Yankees announced today that they have hired Volcanica to assist troubled third baseman Alex Rodriguez in his rehab. The Witch from Red Sox Nation will not be helping the former All-Star recover from his injury, however.
"I've asked Volcanica to whip up a spell to help Alex stop making such stupid and annoying comments anytime someone sticks a microphone in his face," Yankees GM Brian Cashman explained to this Modern Philosopher, who must come clean and admit he is a diehard Yankees fan. "Since he hasn't been able to correct this problem on his own, or by working with our PR people, we thought we'd introduce a little Magic to his rehab and see if that produced the desired results."
For those of you who might not follow baseball or the plight of the player many thought would once break the home run record (which I still say is held by Hank Aaron, not by the guy with the giant head), ARod recently upset his boss with comments he made to the press. Cashman replied like a man who enjoyed salty language.
The Yankees decided this sort of nonsense wasn't good for their image, which eventually led to Maine's newest celebrity Witch being added to the payroll of baseball's greatest team.
How does Volcanica Ivy plan to help ARod, a man who has clearly never met a microphone he doesn't like, and does not appear to know how to filter the thoughts that rattle around in his head?
"I've created something I like to call the Cleeshaemorticus Spell," Volcanica explained to me as we hovered in the sky above The House on the Hill...she on her broom and I on the back of Gary the Gargoyle. "Now, whenever Alex sees a microphone, a little bit of Maine Magic is going to tingle his brain and only allow him to speak in tired, yet harmless sports cliches. I got the idea from watching Bull Durham the other night."
So the Magic of Crash Davis' teachings will hopefully help the baseball god who crashed off his pedestal. But is it too late for ARod, who has become more of a punching bag than a man whose bat packs any punch?
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