Maine’s Champion Snow Shoveler Suspended For PED Use (Fiction)
Mainers thought they were safe from the PED scandals that have plagued the sports world since the state doesn’t have any professional teams. Alas, Modern Philosophers, the doping epidemic has finally hit Vacationland.
Alec Roderick of Milford, seen in the photo at the left, has been the Maine Record Holder in every known category of snow shoveling for the past three Winters…Most Driveways Cleared, Most Inches Shoveled, Fastest Clearance, Most Consecutive Hours Shoveled…you name the category and Roderick most likely holds the record.
Those records will all need asterisks placed next to them, if they are not wiped from the books completely. This Modern Philosopher has been told that tomorrow, the Commissioner of the North American Snow Shoveling Association (NASSA) will announce that Roderick has been suspended for the 50 days of Winter.
“NASSA has more than enough evidence to prove that Roderick used Performance Enhancing Drugs for at least the last three Winters, if not longer,” my source within NASSA told me. “Roderick has spoken to the Commissioner, and tried to deny the allegations at first, but once he was shown the overwhelming evidence, agreed to accept the 50 day ban.”
My source made it clear that the laboratory that supplied the banned substances is not located in Maine, but in Massachusetts.
In most states, having to sit out the first 50 days of Winter wouldn’t mean missing out on that much snow. In Maine, however, where it starts snowing in September, missing those 7 weeks in November and December almost certainly means losing a chance at 50 days of deep, heavy, pure as an Angel’s butt kind of snow.
Roderick might not be a household name in your state, but in Maine, he is a combination of Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth, and Tom Brady. “He’s the greatest Snow Shoveler New England has ever seen. Probably the best this entire country has seen,” boasted Eddie Mason, the Commissioner of Maine’s Snow Shoveling Confederation. “Maine kids grow up wanting to be Alec. They have his line of snow shovels. They wear that same goofy hat he wears, and buy the same brand of gloves and boots. This guy is their hero.”
To read the rest of the story click HERE