Maine Man Arrested For Trying to Beat the Heat (Fiction)
Billy White, 27, of Milford was arrested for assault today after several witnesses called 911 to report that the man was out in the street trying to beat the heat to death.
This cellphone photo taken by an eyewitness shows White ripping the Sun out of the sky before going ballistic on it.
"As you can see from that picture," Office Tom Gordon, the first officer on the scene, told this Modern Philosopher, "the suspect grabbed the Sun from the sky. What you don't see is what happened next."
According to multiple witnesses, what happened next was that White slammed the Sun to the ground and then kicked and punched it repeatedly. He only stopped when police dragged him kicking and screaming off his victim.
When asked to explain his actions, White told this Modern Philosopher, "The heat was kicking my ass all weekend, so I just wanted to return the favor."
White was taken to Eastern Maine Medical Center to be treated for severe burns on his hands. He will then be transported to the Penobscot County Jail to await sentencing.
The Sun had no comment for this report.
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