That noise you hear echoing all over England tonight is a mix of beds creaking, mattresses sighing, and headboards slamming into walls as loyal British subjects across the country commit themselves wholeheartedly to creating a bride to be for the newborn Royal Baby.

“The future King of England is going to need a large pool of candidates from which to choose,” Lord Richard Stork, spokesperson for the Royal Baby, explained to this Modern Philosopher over tea and crumpets.  “Since we insist that he take a younger bride, we ask all able bodied British subjects to get out and shag repeatedly, as any female conceived at this point would be eligible to be the Royal Baby’s future wife.”

There were some football matches tonight, but once they were done and the pubs ran out of beer, couples began to pair off and head back to do the bidding of the British Empire.   England’s young ladies looked particularly fetching this evening as they hoped to lure a virile lad to plow their fields, and earn them a seat at future Royal Family gatherings.

“It’s the British dream,” one young lady told me as she leered at the front of my toga in a manner that made me feel rather like a side of meat.  “We’re going to shag our way into Buckingham Palace.  Being a Royal In Law is just as good as marrying one yourself.”

The general consensus around England tonight is that Brits are hoping the Royal Baby is more like his father, Prince William, who married a woman his own age.  They’d rather the Royal Baby didn’t grow up to be a creeper like his grandfather, Prince Charles, who took a much younger bride.

“We want the little bloke to take a shining to someone his own age,” some drunk young man in a soccer jersey told me as he handed me a beer and put his arm around me like we were old University mates.  “It would increase the odds that the beautiful baby girl I create tonight gets to grow up to be a filthy rich princess.”

My sources tell me that zero condoms were sold in England today, but sales of alcohol were triple the usual amount.  Sounds like a recipe for success.

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