Church Group Declares KFC’s “I Ate The Bones” Campaign Pornographic (Fiction)

The good people of Bangor were blessed today with a visit from an uptight church group from Kansas known as “The Keepers of the Commandments”.  The group, which is currently making its way across the country to protest Kentucky Fried Chicken’s latest ad campaign, set up shop outside of the KFC on Broadway.

This Modern Philosopher went to the protest in hopes of finding (in no particular order): a good story, a few laughs, and free chicken.  I happen to think the “I ate the bones!” commercials are annoying and depict Americans as rather stupid (good job, TV, you are getting the job done!), but these Midwest Farmers’ Daughters and Sons had their panties in a bunch because they believed the ads to be pornographic.

I took a moment to speak to some of the Keepers (who I have delightfully dubbed The Crypt Keepers of the Commandments since most of them are old, creepy, and shriveled up in a manner that makes it look like their senses of humor were sucked right out of them!) and tried to understand (with a straight face) what all the fuss was about.

“The phrase ‘I ate the bone!’ is a thinly veiled comment about the lewd act of oral sex,” Hildegard Finney shouted at me (apparently to be heard over the voices in her head).  “They are broadcasting this disgusting message during family hour on the television, and we will not stand for such hedonistic blasphemy!”

“We have children and grandchildren, who we allow to watch the television after they’ve done their chores and memorized their Bible verses,” explained Barnabas Spinney.  “And now instead of running around the yard quoting our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they’re quoting a commercial about sodomy.  This is not acceptable.”

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